Christmas is super lame.
However you celebrate it, good for you.
I don’t want to hear why or how you celebrate it though. Keep that crap wrapped up under your festive
real/fake tree/menorah with white/colored lights.
FUN FIND #1
Mummer Murder
Christmas “mummers” in Newfoundland would go from house to
house in shitty disguises trying to get the host to guess their identity –
until someone got murdered! <Insert dramatic music> In 1861 it
was suddenly illegal to prance around town in a disguise because the previous years
“mummering” resulted in the death of Issac Mercer. But like all good things, it was revived in
the 80’s after someone wrote a song about mummers. I kind of wish this was tradition in
America. I’d like to show up to some of
my friends’ houses wearing a bag or sheet over my head demanding they identify
me. It’s good practice for identifying
my body at the morgue one day.
FUN FIND #2
Let’s put the X in
Christmas!
I’ve always wondered why “Christ” got shortened to “X” for
Christmas. I even tried spelling MY name
with an X –> Xal, but it sounds more
like a medication you’d rub on your ‘rhoids. We can thank the Greeks for this one! X in Greek is the letter “chi” (duh, you
didn’t know that?!) and “chi” happens to be an abbreviation for the word “Christ”
in Greek. I thought I was being
irreverent by using “Xmas” when I meant “Christmas”, but it turns out to be
more of a pOtato/potAto situation. I’ll
have to start turning the “t” in Christ upside down now… (still trying to
figure out how to do that on a keyboard)
FUN FIND #3
Kiss me under the
Dung Twig!
Ah, mistletoe… I’m
not really sure where you grow naturally and didn’t care enough to Google it. BUT a fascinating fact is that mistletoe
sprouts out of seed-filled bird poop that fell on trees. Mistletoe comes from misteltan in Old English. “Mistle” is a word for “dung” and “tan”
means “twig”. Poop Twig! Another fun fact is that the plant can’t live
on its own and needs to stay in the tree it’s growing on, like a freeloader. Artificial might be the way to go on this
tradition…
FUN FIND #4
Arson is sometimes
okay.
Another mistletoe fun fact.
Young girls in England would take said “poop twig” leaf, sleep with it
under their pillow, hoping to dream of their future husband (or at least the
first one). In the morning they would
BURN that leaf – if it popped or crackled, their marriage to “dream guy” was
doomed, but if it burned quietly- then they were assured a happy marriage to
“dream guy”. This seems sketchy as hell. I could have saved a lot of time in my past
by burning leaves too. I wonder what
they could have found out if they burned their whole bed? Or house?
If burning things brings insight to the future, then don’t be too
concerned when I ask for a lock of your hair next time I see you.
FUN FIND #5
13 Child Eating
Santa’s from Iceland
Iceland believed in not one, but 13 Santas. Also known as “Jolasveinar” or “Christmas
Boys”. They happen to be the offspring
of a couple of trolls, Gryla & Leppaludi who enjoyed eating naughty
children (they obviously had another hobby too – 13 kids?!). While they were young, the 13 Child Eating Santa’s
would eat children just like their parents, but with age came better taste and
they resorted to shenanigans instead.
They would steal food and gifts, kill cows, urinate/defecate in your
clothes, or whatever mischief they had in mind…
But like many of the really awesome stories – this one got lame and
changed to the modern version of one Santa, with the naughty kids getting a
potato in their shoe. I think a dead cow
in your shoe would have been more intimidating … but whatever.
FUN FIND #6
Parson Brown isn’t a
dude?
Ya know that one song – about building a snowman and naming
him Parson Brown – “Winter Wonderland” – I feel completely mislead! I always thought that Parson was a weird
first name for a guy, but I assumed it was an English name and it is assumed
that English names are weird and usually spelled wrong. Apparently a “Parson” is a traveling minister
who would perform marriage ceremonies.
So the lyric “He’ll say ‘are you married?’, we’ll say ‘no man, but you
can do the job while you’re in town’.” It’s about him traveling around
legally binding two people together FOREVER(ish). Okay, Mr. Brown – you need a better
hobby. Weirdo.
FUN FIND #7
Party like it’s
Saturnalia!
This may not be a “fact” but more of a suggestion that
Christmas is a bunch of hooey. A lot of Christmas
traditions started as part of a pagan festival, Saturnalia, honoring the god of
agriculture, Saturn. This festival was
full of partying, gambling and gift-giving as an offering to the gods (not for
baby Jesus!). Since pagans are probably also
Satanists and/or sorcerers—Boston tried to stamp out evil by making it illegal
to celebrate Christmas from 1659-1681. I
found this image while Googling Mr. Saturn - here he is cutting off Cupids
wings. I have to agree with this
endeavor, Cupid is clearly a reckless pest and Saturn knows what’s up.
FUN FIND #8
All I Want for Christmas
is an 8-Legged Horse
In Norse mythology, the god Odin had an eight-legged horse
named Sleipnir who would visit homes during his hunting trips in the winter. People would leave hay and treats for
Sleipnir hoping for a visit. This became
the tradition of leaving carrots for reindeer.
I'd like to take a minute to admit that I have always assumed "Norse" people are a fictional people that never existed. I'm possibly wrong, but please don't correct me as I lay out some treats for the Viking spider-horse.
You have to admit, Christmas is awfully fluffy and
canned. A Grimm’s Fairy Tale kind of Christmas
would make things a bit more entertaining and slightly darker. Now that you’ve been educated, you can go
out into the world knowing just a little more useless knowledge than
before. You’re welcome.
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