Goats are EVIL and Tracy needs one!

#1:  They eat blackberry bushes and thistles and anything most people/animals steer clear of.

I understand eating blackberries and brandishing a few cuts and scratches in the attempt to pick these delicious summer berries.  But goats prefer to chew on the portion of the plant that causes these cuts and scratches… thus telling you "hey f*ck you with your delicate skin and mouths! We love this sh*t!"  Are they sadists?!  Nothing but pure evil could be responsible for this abomination.

#2:  They are the only animal that can eat the toxic plant, tansy, which is capable of killing a full-grown horse.  Are their stomachs made of iron?  No, just pure evil.

#3:  Their eyes!  Those are some freaking creepy eyeballs!  It’s like a frog and a cat mated with Steve Bushimi…  Those eyes have only one purpose, to steal souls.  For the love of God! Don’t look  them in the eyes!

#4:  Horns.  This is self explanatory since we all know most demons have horns…. And split hooves…  Proof of their heredity to satan. 

#5:  Those goats that don’t have ears.  These are an extra special breed of evil!  I believe they were bred with the intention of stalking prey until we are forced to look in their eyes so they can steal our soul…   In my worst nightmare I imagine being home alone, popping some Jiffy Pop on the stove when I hear a little “clip-clip” of hooves down the hall… Popcorn handle in hand, I peek around the corner to look down the hall- and at the very end of the hall- where it is darkest; I would see an earless goat staring back at me.  Quickly I scurry around the corner, open the kitchen drawer and start rummaging for a knife… when I close the drawer, the earless goat is now standing right beside me!  I scream!  He stares…  I scream again!  He keeps staring… and poof!  There goes my soul!  F*ck you earless demon!

#6:  It’s also common knowledge that all goats have the number “666” tatooed under their tongue-->  forged by Lucifer himself.   (I haven’t really looked into this fact, but I’m sure it’s true…)

And there you have it!  6 reasons why I think goats are pure evil.  These reasons also serve as justification for why I think my BFF Tracy should get a goat.  C’mon!  They eat blackberry bushes, toxic things, look weird and can hear predators coming just as good as any watch dog.  Tracy you need a goat!

p.s.
To any goats reading this- leave me the hell alone!

The forbidden closet of mystery....

While visiting my friend Trixie (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent) some of us ladies meandered through her bedroom to see if we could all fit in her bathtub (this is something full-grown women do... sometimes... right?).  As we walked past her closet she launched herself in front it like a starving hyena guarding a piece of meat.   So naturally I wanted to open it.   After a short struggle and elbow to the face, I opened the closet door and saw what mystery lie beyond...



Hervé Villechaize stood just inside the door (ya know the little guy that played Tattoo on Fantasy Island?) with a Mai Tai in one hand and an abacus in the other.  “Welcome to Fantasy Closet my friend” he said and shoved the Mai Tai in my hand.  This is great!  Wait… isn’t Hervé dead?  Oh well, this Mai Tai tastes pretty good.  Setting the abacus down Hervé escorted me through the closet… hey, why was he holding an abacus?  "Drink more Mai Tai" Hervé said inside my head. Weird... 

Unlike the closet to Narnia, this closet was filled with shelves.  On the left the shelves were crowded with jars of pickles… only upon closer inspection, there weren’t pickles in the jar, but tiny Hervé’s!  Just swimming around making fish-O’s with his lips…   Hervé took the lid off one of the jars and sprinkled some fish food inside, and little fish- Hervé swam to the top gulping the food in and spitting little pieces out, only to eat it again… Gross…   Hervé gestured to the other side of the closet where the shelves were filled with Justin Bieber dolls...  all lined up from tallest to shortest...  "Es muy guapo, eh?" Hervé asked... but I thought he was French?  I nodded yes and I slowly backed towards the door...  Hervé said "No! you cannot leave without a gift!" and he gestered with his hands towards the pickeled Hervé fish jars and then the Justin Bieber dolls while he wagged his eyebrows up and down.    So I took one of the Hervé fish home and named him Pickle...

Okay, so she didn't let me in her closet... Trixie turned homicidal and threatened bodily harm instead.   


So what do you do if a friend has a closet in her bedroom she will never let you open?  You post the question on Facebook of course! 


Some fabulous answers were:
• Whips, Chains, Swing
• A midget with a hamster wearing a headlamp
• Ball gag
• Zipper mask
• David Carradine
• Donkey
• Jumper cables
• Skeletons
• Rubber sheets

All fun answers, but what could be more fun than a closet full of Hervé Villechaize?

R.I.P. Herveervé Villechaize 1943-1993