Unfortunately part of getting
back to my “normal” self lately involves finding out that I’m not very “normal”
at all. The words “Hey, let’s watch the Human Centipede!” came out of my face
last weekend when some of my friends came over for some pizza and a little
visit. We only made it 40 minutes into the ass-to-mouth train wreck before it
really registered with my friends that they can never un-see what they just
saw… By this time the evil German doctor (and why wouldn’t he be German?) had
already sewn three unfortunate tourists end to end in an unpleasant predicament.
After stopping the movie I
couldn’t help but wonder how this gruesome cinema disaster played out. I can assume the worse, but I think it’s more
fun to assume the best case scenario here.
Once Evil German Doctor
performed his surgery and everyone woke up I’m fairly sure the “A” section of
the centipede was gifted not just with math (because he’s Asian), but also at
debating and was able to aptly explain to Evil German Doctor why this “centipede”
idea wasn’t ethical, legal, or fun.
Maybe, just maybe the Evil German Doctor felt a little bad about his
behavior, and perhaps he had been drinking too much and partaking in illegal substances the night he
abducted and sewed the three tourists together.
I’m sure he called an ambulance and had them taken to a nice hospital
where his surgery was reversed – before the Asian “A” section of the centipede had
to go #2… the surgeries were successful and the Doctor turned himself in to law
enforcement.
OR maybe the German Doctor
was really doing society a justice!! How
do we know the Asian guy wasn’t a serial rapist, brain eating psychopath? And the two girls were part of a Mexican drug
cartel responsible for kidnapping and selling young girls in a
prostitution ring from Mexico? Also, they
all 3 kick puppies and kittens and orphans and dwarfs… Maybe they deserved a little digestive
manipulation? That might be the better
story… Hooray for the German Doctor!
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