Goats are EVIL and Tracy needs one!

#1:  They eat blackberry bushes and thistles and anything most people/animals steer clear of.

I understand eating blackberries and brandishing a few cuts and scratches in the attempt to pick these delicious summer berries.  But goats prefer to chew on the portion of the plant that causes these cuts and scratches… thus telling you "hey f*ck you with your delicate skin and mouths! We love this sh*t!"  Are they sadists?!  Nothing but pure evil could be responsible for this abomination.

#2:  They are the only animal that can eat the toxic plant, tansy, which is capable of killing a full-grown horse.  Are their stomachs made of iron?  No, just pure evil.

#3:  Their eyes!  Those are some freaking creepy eyeballs!  It’s like a frog and a cat mated with Steve Bushimi…  Those eyes have only one purpose, to steal souls.  For the love of God! Don’t look  them in the eyes!

#4:  Horns.  This is self explanatory since we all know most demons have horns…. And split hooves…  Proof of their heredity to satan. 

#5:  Those goats that don’t have ears.  These are an extra special breed of evil!  I believe they were bred with the intention of stalking prey until we are forced to look in their eyes so they can steal our soul…   In my worst nightmare I imagine being home alone, popping some Jiffy Pop on the stove when I hear a little “clip-clip” of hooves down the hall… Popcorn handle in hand, I peek around the corner to look down the hall- and at the very end of the hall- where it is darkest; I would see an earless goat staring back at me.  Quickly I scurry around the corner, open the kitchen drawer and start rummaging for a knife… when I close the drawer, the earless goat is now standing right beside me!  I scream!  He stares…  I scream again!  He keeps staring… and poof!  There goes my soul!  F*ck you earless demon!

#6:  It’s also common knowledge that all goats have the number “666” tatooed under their tongue-->  forged by Lucifer himself.   (I haven’t really looked into this fact, but I’m sure it’s true…)

And there you have it!  6 reasons why I think goats are pure evil.  These reasons also serve as justification for why I think my BFF Tracy should get a goat.  C’mon!  They eat blackberry bushes, toxic things, look weird and can hear predators coming just as good as any watch dog.  Tracy you need a goat!

p.s.
To any goats reading this- leave me the hell alone!