Reasons why my bestie cannot move to Alaska:
5. She doesn’t look good in snow – I should know, I have a lot of pictures of her stuck to a snowboard lying in the snow with a scowl on her face.
4. Have you SEEN “30 Days of Night”??
3. If you can see Russia from your house, you are too close.
2. There’s that whole “other” country between us.
This is the most important reason of all:
#1 reason for not moving to Alaska….
Because I’m afraid she will fall in love with a polar bear and he will eat her face. Now hear me out – I’m sure most of you are thinking this is an irrational fear, but I assure you- it could happen! And Tracy’s chances of survival once her face is eaten off are slim to none. Let’s just picture if you will… Tracy is walking home from the supermarket one night (replace “supermarket” with “bar”) and in an intoxicated moment of blindness (replace “moment” with “night”) she mistakes a native polar bear for a husky man with a fur coat on, and sharp- pointy shoes and mittens. Sure he’s not a “looker” but he loves to cuddle! He takes her back to his place by carrying her in his mouth. This might seem odd to most, but Tracy thinks it’s endearing. His place is a cave. Tracy feels sympathy for the poor guy; the economy must have hit him pretty hard! She takes a couple of twenty’s out of her wallet and slips them under a rock for him to find later and maybe buy some food or deodorant… what is that smell? The polar bear saunters back over to Tracy; she gets ready to pucker up, but then realizes she doesn’t even know his name! She opens her eyes and begins to move her lips to ask him the question, but as she starts to peek through her eyelids his giant, massive jaws clamp shut around her head!! Ahhh! The agony! The pain!!! The halitosis!! This is not a man!!! No man could ever fit her whole head in his mouth, and believe me, they’d tried!! And who’s there to hear her scream?? Nobody! Because Alaska is a lonely place where nobody can hear you scream when you are being eaten by a polar bear!! You’d think you might be safe during hibernation – but when the hell does a polar bear hibernate?? Isn’t it winter all year round in that forsaken state?
Oh yeah- there’s also hyperthermia, that’s another good reason not to go. And the cannibal-eskimo’s. But mostly the bear eating her face. That’s the main reason she can’t go…
