Story Time in Handcuffs!

I didn't realize until recently how creepy and ill-taught some of our childhood stories are.  Telling my son that Santa is going to break and enter into our house while he's sleeping only makes it okay because Santa's leaving gifts instead of stealing televisions and laptops...  but think about all the rest of our stories- what are we really telling the kids?!

The Tooth Fairy-
Another night-time sneaker who hovers over you as your defenseless body is slumbering, snatches your tooth and gives you a quarter.  What happens if you don't have a tooth for her the night she visits you?  Does she pull one out of your head instead??


The Sandman-
Yet another nocturnal creeper who blows some kind of chemically altered sand into our eyes to make us go to sleep...  but why?  Is he planning on reading our diary after we drift off?  Maybe he's going to raid the fridge while we snooze?  How can we be sure he's not stealing our "virtues" much like frat-boys and their "date rape" drugs?    Yes, the Sandman could be a serial rapist... 

Hansel & Gretel-
The story of Hansel and Gretel is obviously told from the wrong party.  If you ask the witch (if she survived the human oven) I'm sure she'd be pressing charges for trespassing, destruction of property, and attempted murder.  How can we trust this Hansel and Gretel duo to tell the truth??


The Little Mermaid-
She's obviously a klepto.  "I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. I've got whozits and whatzits galore. You want thingamabobs? I got twenty" What are we teaching children about hoarding??! 


Alice in Wonderland-
Eat this, drink this... see hallucinations!  Hugs not drugs kids.  That Alice needed a serious hugging. 

Beauty and the Beast-
The message is clearly "it's okay to fall in love with animals and want to be intimate with them". This is where antisocial cat-ladies are created..


Jack and the Beanstalk-
I think most juries would find him guilty of larceny, breaking & entering, and voluntary manslaughter.


Goldilocks and the 3 Bears-
Breaking and entering, destruction of property...  can eating poridge be considered theft?  Because they'll never get that "just right" poridge back again!


Puss in Boots-
Besides the fact that I don't want my offspring calling anything a "puss"-  the damn cat in the story lies his ass off and in the end the lying wins his master a bride and place in the royal court.  Lesson to be learned: "lying is okay as long as it is used to improve your social status".


So in short- what can be expected of our children when we read tales of criminals being celebrated as heroes?  Nothing less than thieving little liars who grow up pushing old ladies into ovens and eat other peoples poridge...