Slender Man: More Effective than Bees

I had NO idea there was a “Slender Man” legend out there until very recently.  It’s excellent and I wish it was around to terrify me when I was a child!  Why wouldn’t I?  I think being afraid of alien abductions, robots, bees, midgets and genetic mishaps has helped form a healthy appreciation for things around me.

Slender man is a super thin, tall man with no facial features who wears a black suit; you can see him in the background of photos with children – because he’s a stalker who enjoys traumatizing and occasionally abducting children.  Genius!  I think the idea came from a computer game, but I’m less interested in that and more interested in the level of creepiness compared to my own childhood terrors.

When I was a kid my dad told me to “beware the Manahoonies!”  According to my dad- the Manahoonies were midgets who lived in Hawaii, and if you opened your eyes while you were in bed and saw one, they would steal you in the middle of the night and you’d never see your family again.  This might have been told to me around the same time I watched the Wizard of Oz because the idea of little people taking me to a magical land was actually kind of enticing and I secretly wanted to see a Manahoonie. 

 

“Killer Bees from Africa” was a fairly successful tactic to get me in the house when it got dark.  I’m not sure why I was told they only came out at night, but I’d listen for their buzzing and come running.  Fortunately I never ran into any killer bees – but I did try catching a bumble bee once.  Why are they so fuzzy and cute if they don’t want you to pet them?!
 
Then came the “Wampus Cat”.  A genetic nightmare -  part bear, part cat, only partially scary.  The Wampus Cat lives outside and when it gets dark it’s drawn to the lights in houses and lurks under trees waiting for unsuspecting children to come outside.  Actually less effective than the bees, mostly because I figured out my dad was the one hiding, growling – and then coming in to laugh at me.  At least bees don’t growl. Or laugh.

Back to Slender Man...  Even as an adult, I’m marginally afraid I’ll see Slender Man in my photo’s but no longer afraid of bees from Africa.  I’d say Slender Man is slightly more effective than bees, and extremely more effective than magical Manahoonies from Hawaii…

 

 

The Human Centipede Finds a Happy Ending

Unfortunately part of getting back to my “normal” self lately involves finding out that I’m not very “normal” at all. The words “Hey, let’s watch the Human Centipede!” came out of my face last weekend when some of my friends came over for some pizza and a little visit. We only made it 40 minutes into the ass-to-mouth train wreck before it really registered with my friends that they can never un-see what they just saw… By this time the evil German doctor (and why wouldn’t he be German?) had already sewn three unfortunate tourists end to end in an unpleasant predicament. 

After stopping the movie I couldn’t help but wonder how this gruesome cinema disaster played out.  I can assume the worse, but I think it’s more fun to assume the best case scenario here.

 

Once Evil German Doctor performed his surgery and everyone woke up I’m fairly sure the “A” section of the centipede was gifted not just with math (because he’s Asian), but also at debating and was able to aptly explain to Evil German Doctor why this “centipede” idea wasn’t ethical, legal, or fun.  Maybe, just maybe the Evil German Doctor felt a little bad about his behavior, and perhaps he had been drinking too much and partaking in illegal substances the night he abducted and sewed the three tourists together.  I’m sure he called an ambulance and had them taken to a nice hospital where his surgery was reversed – before the Asian “A” section of the centipede had to go #2… the surgeries were successful and the Doctor turned himself in to law enforcement.

 

OR maybe the German Doctor was really doing society a justice!!  How do we know the Asian guy wasn’t a serial rapist, brain eating psychopath?  And the two girls were part of a Mexican drug cartel responsible for kidnapping and selling young girls in a prostitution ring from Mexico?  Also, they all 3 kick puppies and kittens and orphans and dwarfs…   Maybe they deserved a little digestive manipulation?  That might be the better story…  Hooray for the German Doctor!