I'll Have a Weird Christmas

 

Christmas is super lame.  However you celebrate it, good for you.  I don’t want to hear why or how you celebrate it though.  Keep that crap wrapped up under your festive real/fake tree/menorah with white/colored lights.

FUN FIND #1

Mummer Murder

Christmas “mummers” in Newfoundland would go from house to house in shitty disguises trying to get the host to guess their identity – until someone got murdered! <Insert dramatic music>  In 1861 it was suddenly illegal to prance around town in a disguise because the previous years “mummering” resulted in the death of Issac Mercer.  But like all good things, it was revived in the 80’s after someone wrote a song about mummers.  I kind of wish this was tradition in America.  I’d like to show up to some of my friends’ houses wearing a bag or sheet over my head demanding they identify me.  It’s good practice for identifying my body at the morgue one day.

FUN FIND #2

Let’s put the X in Christmas!

I’ve always wondered why “Christ” got shortened to “X” for Christmas.  I even tried spelling MY name with an X –> Xal, but it sounds more like a medication you’d rub on your ‘rhoids.   We can thank the Greeks for this one!  X in Greek is the letter “chi” (duh, you didn’t know that?!) and “chi” happens to be an abbreviation for the word “Christ” in Greek.  I thought I was being irreverent by using “Xmas” when I meant “Christmas”, but it turns out to be more of a pOtato/potAto situation.  I’ll have to start turning the “t” in Christ upside down now… (still trying to figure out how to do that on a keyboard)

 

FUN FIND #3

Kiss me under the Dung Twig!

Ah, mistletoe…  I’m not really sure where you grow naturally and didn’t care enough to Google it.  BUT a fascinating fact is that mistletoe sprouts out of seed-filled bird poop that fell on trees.  Mistletoe comes from misteltan in Old English. “Mistle” is a word for “dung” and “tan” means “twig”.  Poop Twig!  Another fun fact is that the plant can’t live on its own and needs to stay in the tree it’s growing on, like a freeloader.  Artificial might be the way to go on this tradition…

 

 

FUN FIND #4

Arson is sometimes okay.

Another mistletoe fun fact.  Young girls in England would take said “poop twig” leaf, sleep with it under their pillow, hoping to dream of their future husband (or at least the first one).  In the morning they would BURN that leaf – if it popped or crackled, their marriage to “dream guy” was doomed, but if it burned quietly- then they were assured a happy marriage to “dream guy”.  This seems sketchy as hell.  I could have saved a lot of time in my past by burning leaves too.  I wonder what they could have found out if they burned their whole bed?  Or house?  If burning things brings insight to the future, then don’t be too concerned when I ask for a lock of your hair next time I see you.

FUN FIND #5

13 Child Eating Santa’s from Iceland

Iceland believed in not one, but 13 Santas.  Also known as “Jolasveinar” or “Christmas Boys”.  They happen to be the offspring of a couple of trolls, Gryla & Leppaludi who enjoyed eating naughty children (they obviously had another hobby too – 13 kids?!).  While they were young, the 13 Child Eating Santa’s would eat children just like their parents, but with age came better taste and they resorted to shenanigans instead.  They would steal food and gifts, kill cows, urinate/defecate in your clothes, or whatever mischief they had in mind…  But like many of the really awesome stories – this one got lame and changed to the modern version of one Santa, with the naughty kids getting a potato in their shoe.  I think a dead cow in your shoe would have been more intimidating … but whatever.

 

 

FUN FIND #6

Parson Brown isn’t a dude?

Ya know that one song – about building a snowman and naming him Parson Brown – “Winter Wonderland” – I feel completely mislead!  I always thought that Parson was a weird first name for a guy, but I assumed it was an English name and it is assumed that English names are weird and usually spelled wrong.  Apparently a “Parson” is a traveling minister who would perform marriage ceremonies.  So the lyric “He’ll say ‘are you married?’, we’ll say ‘no man, but you can do the job while you’re in town’.”  It’s about him traveling around legally binding two people together FOREVER(ish).  Okay, Mr. Brown – you need a better hobby.  Weirdo.

FUN FIND #7

Party like it’s Saturnalia!

This may not be a “fact” but more of a suggestion that Christmas is a bunch of hooey.  A lot of Christmas traditions started as part of a pagan festival, Saturnalia, honoring the god of agriculture, Saturn.  This festival was full of partying, gambling and gift-giving as an offering to the gods (not for baby Jesus!).  Since pagans are probably also Satanists and/or sorcerers—Boston tried to stamp out evil by making it illegal to celebrate Christmas from 1659-1681.  I found this image while Googling Mr. Saturn - here he is cutting off Cupids wings.  I have to agree with this endeavor, Cupid is clearly a reckless pest and Saturn knows what’s up.

FUN FIND #8

All I Want for Christmas is an 8-Legged Horse

In Norse mythology, the god Odin had an eight-legged horse named Sleipnir who would visit homes during his hunting trips in the winter.  People would leave hay and treats for Sleipnir hoping for a visit.  This became the tradition of leaving carrots for reindeer.  I'd like to take a minute to admit that I have always assumed "Norse" people are a fictional people that never existed.  I'm possibly wrong, but please don't correct me as I lay out some treats for the Viking spider-horse.

 

You have to admit, Christmas is awfully fluffy and canned.  A Grimm’s Fairy Tale kind of Christmas would make things a bit more entertaining and slightly darker.  Now that you’ve been educated, you can go out into the world knowing just a little more useless knowledge than before.  You’re welcome.

 

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